Today I attended a breakout session called Making Poetry From Your Memories.  The assignment was to pull up a memory then pull 5 tangible items from that memory.  Once those 5 have been identified we were asked to add a few descriptive words to the words.  The following is the poem I created from a memory I had from an experience 7 years ago.  This is a different style of writing for me.  It is intimidating.  

The Zoo

Standing amidst the people

Busy, unaware people.

The handle in my hand

Worn and familiar.

Sipping the cool,

Smooth, sweet brew.

I hear the tone not knowing

The power and weight of the moment

She will not be. He is no more. 

The tone suddenly empathetic

Yet not comforting.

I am angry. Hurt.

The burden oppresses my former joy

I ponder the lost wonder.

The brew now bitter

Sharp, tart, and sour.

My grasp is ridged and strained.

The familiar is lost

Worn now seems damaged

Everything fell apart while I stood

Atop a stained and cracked floor.

On September 22nd, 2007 I received a phone call while I was at the zoo with Macy and Carlie that the baby I was carrying had stopped growing and had no heartbeat.  4 days later I miscarried our 3rd baby.  Lilly Pie is what I now know to be a Rainbow Baby.  She is the answer to my unanswered prayer.  She is everything I never knew my heart needed to heal.  She is the completion to our infertility story.  

When the Ladies were born I made a vow to the Lord that I would not take their childhood for granted.  I desperately wanted to be a stay at home mom and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him.  When #littlebit started school I wanted to get my degree and work outside my home.  And I did so.

I enjoy working.  My mind goes nonstop from the time I wake up until it finally crashes at night.  I swear I have an undiagnosed attention span disorder.  My first job after being a stay at home mom was in an insurance office.  I loved my time there.  Then, if you’ll remember with me, I took a job with Dad.  I spent about 6 months with Dad before I landed my dream job with the Midwest City Chamber of Commerce.  My Chamber job encompassed all of my passions!  I was out in the community I love, talking about places I like, with people I know.  It really cannot get better than that!  I had an office with a window and super fab decorations. But….

I realized, not too long ago, that I was missing things with The Ladies that I did not want to miss.  I was having to sacrifice cheering time at ball games.  I was having to rely on others to get them to all the places they needed to be.  I felt rushed and scattered all the time.  I spent about two days in deep conversations with Jesus and He again reminded me that they’re only with me for a short time then I have to send them out into the world and pray I have prepared them for success.  So I made a decision that I trust He will bless.  I quit my job. 

Taking that kind of faith jump is TERRIFYING!  I am trusting Him that He knows what He’s doing.  I have met with all the appropriate people (lawyers, CPA’s, bankers) and have a plan but I am still skeered.  I know I have made the right decision and I know that The Ladies will be the benefactors of such an unconventional decision, however, I am a little nervous.  I will still work only now I will office out of my kitchen.  I will have many plates still spinning but I get to set my own schedule.  I’ll be owner, manager, CEO, mom, maid, cook and taxi driver.  Stick with me and see where this adventure takes me.

And my new business name:  

W  A  N  N  A  B  E

         

           Enterprises, LLC

 Because I don't know what I wannabe professionally.  

A Presidential Campaign Loss

The hardest thing for me as a mother is knowing that the world will disappoint my child and there is not one thing I can do to stop it.  I consider myself to be a decently well rounded person (read: girl) who is rarely, outwardly affected by situations.  Contrary to what The Banker may tell you I am usually meticulous in my thought process and take my time before reacting to a situation. Until it comes to The Ladies.  Their hurts pierce my heart with such depth that I find it impossible to breathe.  In the moments where there are no words to bring comfort and all I can do I stand tall and physically hold her up I find out how devastating motherhood can be.  I pray a million prayers, silently over her, and hope that she never has to feel the pain she is feeling in this moment ever again.  All the while knowing that she will eventually be hurt by this world again. 

Today Carlie Bug stood before her student body and delivered her STUCO presidential speech.  Let’s just stop right there.  This child, all of 10, stood before 400 classmates and teachers and delivered a speech.  I know grown people who won’t do that.  For this I must applaud her.  She believed with all of her heart that she had prepared a speech that summed up her campaign.  She absolutely wants to make a difference in the lives of the teachers at her school.  When the ballots were counted she came up short.  She did not win the Student Council President spot.  Cue a broken hearted little girl. 

There is much to be learned from this day.  First of all, the outcome does not reflect the effort.  My girl put her heart and soul into this race and to some is may just be a 5^th grade student council race but to her it was everything she stands for.  She prayed blessing over herself and her friends while they ran.  Not to be selfish but that’s just who she is. Jesus, JFK and Momma.  That’s how she rolls.  If she desires something and she feels as though God has led her to that point she will ask for specific blessings.  Once we get passed the tears we will reflect on her drive and determination during this race.  It is admirable.  Secondly, failure in the eyes of man can often times be disguised as a blessing from Him.  With 100% certainty I can tell you I am not ready to preach the “blessings in disguise” sermon to my girl but having lived 35ish years I’ve learned a thing or two about unanswered prayers.  I know that this day is a building block, a stepping stone for her and we will be able to use the defeat as a tool … someday.  Lastly, we will continue to fine tune our grace toward others.  The wee person who won is a friend to Carlie.  There are NO hard feelings toward this wee person but overcoming disappointment and extending a congratulatory handshake, when you’re 10, is tough.  It is very hard to separate feelings at this age so we will start working on this tomorrow. 

Tonight we will just put on our best sleeping shirt, shed a few more tears and cry ourselves to sleep.